I was raised by a pack of wild pigs in a small town in Iowa, and I’m awestruck by the culinary wonders of New York City. This place is crazy, I tell you. Back home, we just ate corn and buckets of slop. (Oops, sorry Mom… you learned how to surf the web and read food blogs? Um, in that case, just kidding about the slop thing. Your cooking is lovely. Not like slop at all. Really.)
When I moved to New York City, I decided to try to eat food from every country in the world without leaving the city. Why? Because I think NYC is probably the only place in the world where you could do something like this. And also because… well, my girlfriend is in law school, so I won’t really see her for about three years, even though we live together. I’m substituting food for sex. (I hope I’m just joking.)
Anyway, here is the fine print for my little quest:
- Countries with populations under 1,000,000 are generally excluded, unless food from that country happens to be available in NYC. Sorry, we have to draw the line somewhere… do you really think that I could find food from, say, Vatican City (population 451) or Tuvalu (population 10,000)?
- Countries do NOT have to be recognized officially by the United Nations to be included in the count. Dependent or disputed territories (Puerto Rico, Taiwan) are included in some cases.
- Somebody from the country must be substantially involved in the preparation of the food, either as cook, chef, or restaurant owner — and the meals must be generally recognized as at least somewhat authentic. (So Mexican food prepared in a Chinese-owned and operated restaurant doesn’t count, and neither do American-style burritos, which are awfully tough to find in Mexico.)
- Food should be reasonably cheap. Most people in most countries aren’t wealthy, and I’m looking for meals that your mother or grandmother might cook at home. (I’m not into overpriced, dainty, hypermodernized fusion nanobatch bullpoop made by pretentious chefs. Please feed me real food.) As a very general rule, meals should ideally cost less than, say, $15.
- Food doesn’t have to be eaten in a restaurant. Food carts, vending trucks, bake sales, convenience stores, or your grandma’s kitchen (hint, hint) are all fair game.
So that’s the story. If you or your momma or your grandma wants to invite me over for lunch (I’ll happily pay for groceries and drinks!), contact me directly at unitednationsoffood@gmail.com, especially if you might be able to offer hard-to-find cuisines. And if you want to learn more about me before inviting me to lunch, click here for a brief bio.
